FYI I have finally figured out the problem.
After 2 new routers, countless hours with ASUS nothing had solved the problem.
Here is the resolution. Keep your router in Dual Band connect not TRI band. It is not ideal for the $$ you pay for at tri band but it works.
This applies to 386 firmware and later.
In the settings do NOT turn on dedicated Ethernet Backhaul. The new 386 firmware opens up 5G-2 band as part of tri connect, as this is a tri band router. However for the past 2 years prior to firmware 386 (e.g. 384) the router would not open up 5G-2 as it was used as a dedicated wireless backhaul whether you were uplinked via ethernet or not. 5-Ghz-2 was always a hidden SSID. The new 386 firmware opens this up as an option for the router and all mesh clients to operate as a true tri band router, yet it does NOT work with a mesh system as intended!
For uplink type, select AUTO "1G WAN first". This ensures the router is in dual band vs Tri band. I have not had an issue in weeks! There is obviously a firmware problem with the 5ghz band. This seems to make sense because everytime i disconnected my phone from wifi and reconnected it would connect to 2.4 first, then switch to 5ghz-1 or 2. Problems start and the cycle continues.
There are tutorials how to force the 5ghz-2 band with its own SSID and unhide it, however i cannot comment on that. I just know as a true tri band router setup as a mesh system with the new 386 firmware with apple products, SHES A DUD. I have validated that there is not a problem with any of my hardware, or my ethernet cable connecting them
Hopefully this will help you, as its BS and noone at ASUS has a clue.
Solid connection now